Friday, January 26, 2007

The Other Slushy Gutter

Yo I walk in the place, kicks un-laced
with a bitter beer face, A 40?, nah a whole case
with flows like these, we not your average MC's
we be the drunken masters of ceremonies...


People always ask me: 1)"why are you such a d*ckhead," and 2) "what happenned to the three pillars of the SG? Yeah, we get your bullsh*t about CO sports and the diatribes about Hip Hop, but what's up with the beer? "

I've slacked on the beer posting since the conclusion of the Summer Mission, but now I offer you the realness of the Slushy Gutter. This coming weekend I will award the annual Slushy Gutter Award to the drunkest of the loose consortium of derelicts I chill with. And, as per protocol, they will be forever identified within these pages.

Here are some of the drunken acts that will be taken into consideration for the award:
-Wore a pair of his friend’s wife’s jean shorts
-Lost his car after a Bronco game
-Stood on top of the bar in a crowded bar and downed a beer
-Snorted hot chili pepper at BW-3
-Got lost in his own bathroom at home
-Snorted hot chili pepper at Old Chicago
-Phoned in late night (2am) drunk game reviews of Tivo’ed CU games to the work voice mail
-Missed a flight so got hammered at the bar instead
-Drove 500 miles to Kansas for a football game but missed it because of a hangover
-Calls his wife “Un-American” when she told it was time to go home
-Passes out on a couch and everyone completely covers him with dog toys
-Got locked out of a party and slept in a garage
-Got locked out of his mother in laws and pounded beers in his truck
-Laid across railroad tracks while going from one bar to the next
-Said he would “shit on the hood” of a nearby Porsche
-Climbed through a dog door after a night of drinking because he forgot his keys. Made it through the door only to remember he had a garage keypad
-Stared down a 10 year old while drinking on the concourse at a Bronco game
-Set off his own car alarm in his garage late one night after drinking
-While trying to get to a tailgate spot, had to traverse a 6-foot retaining wall, which he struggled to get up even with chants of “Rudy”
-Sleeps in the back of a Chevy Blazer on top of some golf clubs
-Claims he doesn’t remember much of the SD-Broncos football game
-Loses his keys and can’t get into his house, after 5 minutes of searching, they’re in his pocket
-Claims he wants to “napalm the entire state of Nebraska” and incurs his wife’s wrath
-Does cartwheels in the street
-Fastens many straws together into a “superstraw” that is used to sip beers on the other side of the table
-Wears antlers on his head
-Tried to do a keg toss on the front lawn of a dormitory
-Slid down a fenced off steep hill while trying to make their way from LoDo to Mile High
-After pushing a stuck driver out of a snow bank, stops to pee in said snow. The bathroom was about 50 yards from there
-Calls every woman in LoDo a “whore". Loudly.
-Crawls into bed with his buddy, and he wasn’t wearing pants
-Were present when their friends got a bill for 48 Coors Lights at BW-3
-Relieved himself into a cup while standing in line at a Bronco game
-Had a scalding hot pizza put on his nads while passed out and didn’t awake
-Drank 528 beers in a 14 week period
-Went outside to heat his car up at 11pm, left it running until 12:30 after a few beers
-While playing erotic puzzle games on a game console at a bar, he licked the screen
-Moved to the CU student section because they wanted to sit behind a girl with “big hooters"
-Tried to do the beer on beer bottle thing and broke his own bottle
-Wrestled in the snow on the street and one ended up completely shirtless in 20 degree weather
-Made lewd comments about a 17 year olds “big rigs” with her boyfriend there
-Took three beers from a party “for the way home.” He lived about 5 minutes away
-Took a sh*t at an RTD stop, and had to wipe his a** with his shirt. Discarded said shirt on way to dinner with in-laws. Had the whole dinner with a camo hunting jacket zipped up the whole way reeking of sh*t
-Drinking Captain Morgan from the traveler at 3am like it was a soda pop
-Did a keg stand at a tailgate party
-Intentionally threw a dart into his wall to “get it over with”

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8 Comments:

Blogger travis said...

Wow, there is some hilarious shit in there. I think I've even done a few of them.

I'm starting at 2 myself tomorrow at a "Warm-Up Super Bowl Party". The last time I started at 2pm at this guys house, I was talking Spanish to his illegal neighbors for an hour....and I don't even speak spanish. I just drank a shit load at the Av's game tonight....I love beer

one of the stupidest things I've ever done drinking (I posted a Top 5 List on my myspace page a couple months ago)

After paying $3.50 for a large beer at a strip club in Salt Lake City Utah, the security dudes told us it was time for us to go and I had to leave my beer. I wasn't getting ripped for my $3.50, so I waited for the right time and smuggled my pretty much full beer out of the club. Both my then roomate (aka Sloth for obvious reasons) and I were drunk as skunks and rolling down one of the busiest streets in Salt Lake with the top down on his covertable. I decided that having a full beer in plain site probably wasn't the brightest of ideas. That was my five seconds of good judgement. The next move was pure idioticy. I tossed the full beer, cup and all, out of the car, without looking. I heard a "KASPLASH", then the screeching of tires. My first fear was I just tossed it on some mexican gang bangers fly ride and we were going to die. So for the first 1/2 of second I was relieved to see the red and blue lights come on. That's right, I threw a full beer, from a moving car, with a drunk driver, on to the windshield of a cop car. Let's say he wasn't too happy. I also want to thank who ever stabbed somebody a couple minutes later a block from us, that was the only reason we got out of that situation.

3:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The weirdest part of that story is 3.50 for a beer at a sstrip joint...that's cheap!

worst thing Ive ever done is way back I was at a party in the country. I awoke naked in the AM in the barn, in a horse stall, with a horse there eating hay.

8:14 AM  
Anonymous Salty Sire said...

I have a similiar story to the guy wh o made it to the road trip but missed the game.

Me and some buddies went to the Daytona 500 a few years back. The night before the race we barhopped and one buddy met a rather large, exotic woman. He figured what the hell and she took him home. He told us she was going to drop him off at our hotel the next morning.

Next morning, no show. We geared up and went to the track. Left msgs on his cell. Left his ticket at the gate. No sign of him. After the race, we're at a bar, and in he rolls, looking like crap.

Turns out the chick was quite the S&M freak and physically tied him up for 8+ hours. He has bruises an d the like. She made him walk home and his cell phone was dead. B/C of the noise, we couldn't hear his calls he made from payphones. He finally called the hotel and they sent the Cuban groundkeeper to pick him up.

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