Makes Me Want To Puke

My mind's my nine, my pen my Mac 10...

There's not much that can be said about the debaclization (a word that is used in my world) that was the Rockies' road trip. Shitty hitting, shitting fielding, your ace getting knocked around, a catcher looking for a past ball like it was a clue in the OJ case, letting two teams back into the wild card race, no-name dudes becoming heroes, averages sliding...you get the picture.

The Rockies fan sees a hole in the divsion that is going to be tough to climb out of, and a whole slew of teams to jump over in the Wild Card race. (Also worrisome is that consensus that there is plenty of time left and that the upcoming nine games can provide a chance to get back in the race. Huh? You play better the last 11 games and these upcoming nine games are a chance to get a stranglehold in the race!) The casual Colorado fan sees the Broncos starting training camp on Wednesday. Somehow the Rockies will screw that up too.

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Billboard Melo

Cause if rap was a house, you'd be evicted,
and dismissed from the microphone, chokin on a bone,
cuz Daddy's home...

SI released their Top 50 earning athletes (giving the talking heads all over radio-land something else to fill their Dog Days... "well, Blaine, I would think CC Sabathia would make more in endorsements, especially with McDonalds or Burger King...ha ha ha." I'm pretty sure there's no broadcaster by the name of Blaine, but maybe if there was he'd probably be on some local radio show like 'Blaine and The Walrus or something.) and looky looky who's smack dab in the middle. Mr La La checked in at #25, with a pretty nice number with endorsements and actual salary.

I get tired of people (like Blaine) saying mid and smaller market stars could reap the benefits of larger markets because of endorsements. Check Melo making the endorsement coin he's making based in Our Cowtown. If Melo makes the leap to NYC, will the endorsement deals suddenly open up for him? Will Crazy Eddie be beating down his door to sell some new Melo Limited Edition Walkmans? Sal's Fur Emporium in Brooklyn gonna give Melo some extra scratch? Teaming up with Mardy Collins for Sensei Master Tao's School of Self Defense (How quickly fans in NYC forget about that incident. Signed, Terrell Owens stomping on the Cowboys star) Guys like Melo are beyond the local ads (leave those to dudes like Ryan Spilbourghs, who's Greeley Ford commercials are more cheesy than a dairy farmer mowing down a bucket of Cheetoes) and rely on the big hitters like Nike to bring in the bucks.

Guaranteed cash is on the table, no reliance on commercial shoots, from the Nuggets in the form of an actual paycheck from the team. If that doesn't work? Slushy Gutter print ad campaign featuring Melo.

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Spider!? Ahh Man.

Go read a book you illiterate son of a bitch and step up your vocab...

The roller coaster game that was the Rockies-Marlins that saw the Purp lose on the last pitch of the game has only one thing to blame. Not the Rockies for kicking the ball all over the field, not Ubaldo for grooving a pitch to that Stanton kid, not Huston Street for reverting to the 09 NLDS pitcher. The culprit for the lose: a spider.

As Street walked Dan Uggla (do you think Uggla ever rocked some Uggs boots and made dumb-ass comments like "check out Ugg's Uggs...hee hee hee"?) with two outs and some dude named Donnie Murphy coming to bat. Donnie Murphy? Wasn't he in New Kids back in the day?

It was at this point that Mrs Commish informed me there was a spider in the dryer. Because the best place for a spider to chill is in an all-white dryer that is fully enclosed. No one will ever see him there. Being I sometimes get a little antsy when relief pitchers are on the mound, I decided to venture to the basement to rid our dryer of the eight legged fiend. I fully expected to arrive back upstairs and see Jeff Huson and Drew still jerking off over Johnny Herrera's homer in the post game.

Nope. There's the Marlins jumping all over Donnie Murphy like he just got done belting out "Hanging Tough." Fuck that spider. Was the now-dead spider channeling past Marlins greats as Chuck Carr or Orestes Destrade? Or maybe the spider was trying to tell me the Rockies brass need not to focus on adding a bat such as Uggla or Ty Wigginton, but rather focus squarley on Seattle reliever David Aardsma, thus moving Street to a setup roll. Either way, the Rockies are back in third, my dryer is spider-free, and my next load of clothes may have a few stray legs. Fuck that spider.

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Wednesday Wasted

Since Wednesday was the slowest sports day of the year, some random - very random - sports thoughts going through the dome of the SG:

-Ubaldo Jimenez looks like he could be one of those Hispanic dudes who seemed to populate the point guard position on teams like Temple earlier in the decade.

-I'm rocking a pretty average beard right now. Best Denver sports beards ever? I'd say #2 would be former Donk OL Keith Bishop, who kind of had a Marvel Comics Hercules beard going. #1 is hands down Nugget PF Calvin Natt, who's beard made 1970's soul singer's beards jealous.

-Worst ever beard: Peter Forsberg during Av playoff runs. Rubber cement and hair clippings would've looked better.

-The new Pac 10 logo has been spotted on the field at Oregon's Autzen Stadium. Pretty cool, as it pays homage to the mountains and the ocean (how very transcendental of them.) However, was the inspiration the Police Athletic League and the Vancouver Whitecaps?

-I think the Rockies should add a "ball girl" squad? You know, the attractive females who stand on the dugouts during breaks in play and lead cheers, toss t-shirts, help run the on-field contests. A good chunk of MLB teams have them, and I can't wait to see what catchy name the Rox could come up with. The Twin Peaks? Dinger's Dongers? Geyser Girls?

-I'm wondering if the police had to be called out to the Pepsi Center for all the people clamoring for Al Harrington jersies.

RELATED: Kurious - "Walk Like A Duck" - ("...my crew rolls thick like a hillbilly's beard")

Shut The Eff Fuck

I'm your idol, the highest title, numero uno...

San Francisco Giant and ESPN Sunday Night Baseball broadcaster Jon Miller has suggested that the Purp might be manipulating the humidor to their advantage. Seriously, Jon...shut the hell up. He says there's a "feeling" in baseball that the Rox mix in non-humidor balls late in the game to help with comeback wins.

Jon, there's a "feeling" among Colorado fans that you been slipping too many Ding Dongs into your diet. SG readers have a "feeling" that your chrome dome is so damn shiny that it knocks satellites off their orbit. Fans along the first base side at Coors Field have a "feeling" that you and Joe Morgan dress in diapers and rub whipped cream on eachother in the eighth inning.

Did Barry Bonds leave some of his cream for Jon to rub on his thick skull? Has Jon (no need for an 'h' in his name because he would eat it) ever thought of the logistics it would take for the Rockies to pull this off? That the umpires rub down each and every ball to be used in each game at Coors? That if the Rox tried to pull off a grand scheme like this the ultimate player in the duping would be a pimply faced Twitter addicted ball boy (OMG, Dan ODowd jus gave me da sign 2 use da cheetin ballz.) Not to mention the simple science and all that funky shit that goes along with the accusations.

Call it sour grapes? Jon would just eat them anyway.

RELATED: Masta Ace - "Jeep Ass N*gga" - ("...bust the scientifical")

Decision Day Looms Over Denver

Crispy and clean, back on the scene...

How will "The Decision" and the ripple effects of it affect the Nuggets? Let's look at some possibilities the Nuggets' front office is working on this AM:

1- It won't. The Nugget front office probably wasn't even watching the ESPN special, they were over on the Travel Channel watching 'The Iron Chef.'

2- It puts Carmelo Anthony squarely as the Knicks #1 target. And gee, Melo married a New York girl, he's getting married this weekend in New York, he has his Colorado house on the market, the Knicks are piling up big men that the Nuggets lack. Hello? Oh, sorry, I won't disturb you during 'House Hunters.'

3- David Lee to Golden State, Micheal Beasly to Minnesota. Even though the Eastern Conference is getting tougher, the dregs of the Western Conference are getting better, and more importantly younger. I know, sorry, '16 And Pregnant' is on.

4- Did you say "ripple?" Man, that reminds us of all those crazy 'Sanford And Son' episodes. Ya, big dummy!

5- Jermaine O'Neal to Boston, Brendan Haywood stays in Dallas, Travis Outlaw to New Jersey. That's cool, big men are a dime a dozen. Heck, Shaq is still available. The only reason I know that is because 'Kazaam' is on TBS right now.

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The 'SS' Stands For 'Syrup Sipper'

Kicking wicked rhymes like a fortune teller,
Had a dog by the name of Old Yeller...

Take solace Bronco fans, JaMarcus Russell beat our team numerous times. That was tough to take given the fact:
-He sucks
-He's fat
-He's not very bright
-There's rumors he can't read
-He's lazy
-His teammates pretty much sucked too
-His football sense is non-extistant
-He looks like Don Baylor's, Big Tigger/Snagglepuss' love child

And now we can add to the list:
-He sips on syrup

Freaking great. Feels proud to be a Donk fan today.

RELATED: Wu Tang Clan - "Triumph" - ("Codeine was forced in your drink, you had a navy green salamander fiend...")

Firework Points

You played your hand lost track of your plan
When I show up I blow up, end of story my man...

COLORADO SPORTS
-High time for the Rockies to get serious with a 10-game homestand, big crowds for the weekend, their ace on the mound on Sunday, that dude from the UPS Whiteboard commercials pitching tonight, and the division leaders coming in right after the Giants leave town. Last night's game is almost a glimpse of what the Rockies need most nights: Dexter Fowler leading off with a bang, solid starting pitching, stout bullpen work, and Huston Street throwing down the hammer in the ninth. The only thing missing is Tulo and Hawpe in the middle of the lineup, and anything from the 3rd base position, as Melvin "Hands of Stone" Mora and Ian Stewart have provided little more than sparkler power fireworks.

HIP HOP
-The SG had Homeboy Sandman's The Good Sun on lock for most of June, a tremendous assembly of playful rhymes, artsy and hard hitting beats, timely cameos (Fresh Daily in particular on "Table Cloth,") and the never tired rhymes railing on commercial Hip Hop ("Gucci, Fendi, Prada? Yada yada yada," he raps on "Yeah I Can Ryhme Though.") The Queens MC brings together an eclectic cast of producers including Pyscho Les, Ski Beatz, and Ben Grimm. The later lacing the unique "Mean Mug" where Home Sand goes against the grimey faces so prevalent in the game, warning the mean muggers might have "muscle strain" later in life. The lone posse cut “The Things They Carried” sees Daniel Joseph, John Robinson, and Sandman simply going for theirs by describing what is in their pockets. It's that easy, yet they make it so listenable. Sandman also provides some deeper, more personal rhymes, among those are "Angels With Dirty Faces" in which he takes the perspective of a homeless man.

BEER
-Remember in the old school days when your Pops and his crew would chill at the local Fourth of July BBQ with their peel-top beers, big upping the USA, and shitting on the old Iron Curtain? Maybe the holiday concept of freedom meant more back then because there were so many more worldwide who didn't enjoy any. Fast forward to the 21st Century, and the Russians buy our hoops teams, export hundreds of buxom, long legged tennis stars, and still seem to wear track suit tops wherever they are. And how are we finally repaying them? The smoooooooooooth taste of Coors Light, which is now available in Moscow. The fine Coors folks seem determined to crack the Ruskies beer appetite; perhaps a CL flavored vodka would've been more appropriate? So this Fourth (as SG Alum Broz once said) as you are enjoying your Mexican beer, Chinese fireworks, and German brauts, remember your Pops and his cronies, who kicked some commie ass, brooke down their walls, and satisfied their thirst with some of Golden's finest! USA USA USA!