Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Sharp Cutlery

Dangerfield steppin' my way,
bodies get creamated on a Friday the do or die way,
your death threater, sender, head spinner,
rap beginner, light dimmer, three knockout count winner...

Surprise, surprise, but Coach Shanny has finally removed Mr. Element and replaced him with Super Rookie Jay Cutler. Here in CO, this decision is all the rage; being debated on talk radio, internet message boards, the office water cooler, and at your grandmother’s bingo game.

What to make of the decision though? How many people had actually heard of Jay Cutler before Mel Kiper and his super feathered head starting hyping him about last year at this time? Meatheads confused him with the oiled up roid monster…I mean, bodybuilder of the same name. He looks like the chubby kid who cleans your dog shit twice a month for $10. And has anyone taught him how to shave?

Coming out of Santa Claus, Indiana (hmmm, wonder if there will be many dorky columnist hyping that angle this December) he attracted the attention of Vanderbilt and other CFB "heavyweights": home-state Indiana University and coaching legend Cam Cameron, and mighty Illinois and the Knute Rockne of our generation, Ron Turner. He chose Vanderbilt, the Baylor of the SEC, and the genius of coach Woody Widenhofer, where he compiled a piss poor 11-35 record as a starter.

He wowed scouts and front office types in workouts and the combine, and parlayed that into being placed next to Vince Young and Matt Leinart and his post-Paris Hilton shame (somehow I can see Leinart at the combine pulling the "Johnny Be Good" line "coach, I broke my dick" after his night in Paris.) Shanny pulled the trigger during the NFL draft and brought in the former Commodore, not Lionel Richie mind you (but that would be interesting), to work behind Plummer in 06 and most likely take over in 07. He posted an impressive preseason working versus the backups/current Arena league signees from Detroit (06 record: 2-9), Tennesee (4-7), Houston (3-8), and finally the bulk of his work versus the Cardinals (2-9.) With Plummer becoming the Chuck Knoblach of the NFL, it was time to turn to Cutler in an unprecedented move to a rookie in NFL Week 12.

Cutler doesn’t exactly have Five Star, All-American, or Pro Bowl credentials heading into his first NFL start if you delve into the numbers. Yes, he was all-SEC, player of the year in the conference, and Ron Jaworski wanted to be his boyfriend. That doesn’t amount to a squat when you’re face to face with the defending NFC champions in 20 degree weather, with the Mastermind, the ex-incumbent QB, 75,000 liquor-fueled fans, and a national TV audience watching your every move.

Yes, good luck to you Jay, we’re booking our Super Bowl trip right now.

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16 Comments:

Anonymous Steve Z. said...

When I look at Jay Cutler and his ultra-prep frat boy vibe, I imagine him after receiving his signing bonus buying a house and 2 ridiculous cars, then heading to the nearest mall to shutdown Hollister for 3 hours as he lined his closet with "the goods."

I didn't realize his college record was so horrendous. But then again, when Mel Kiper and the ESPN draft freaks want to push a lesser-known, small school "star," they tend to leave out the reasons why a player was a lesser-known, small school "star."

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Kevin V said...

How long before pictures of Cutler surface on the internet partying with 17 year olds a la Kyle Orton?

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Big Guy said...

Mel Kiper gets chicks, owah!

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