2013 For Certain: Top CO Beer Spots

 

2013 can certainly be remember as a year where the craft brewery really blew up across the Centennial State.  Nearly every suburban town in the Denver area has one or several, while even tiny mountain hamlets support these brew producing outposts.

The SG partook in quite a few of these throughout last year, and while I’m no beer snob or even a huge connoisseur, many are worth of mention.

Post Opening Day, the SG Crew ventured to Our Mutual Friend Brewing.  Hipster is the operative word here, but there was no record scratch as the crew walked in in Rox gear.  Beers are tasty and nothing overly fancy décor wise, with a nice laid back vibe and even “bring your own vinyl” days.

Back in the day, North Denver was simply called “North Denver” but now the area is “The Highlands” and further divided into “LoHi” and such.  In one of those areas is Prost Brewing.  A great summer spot, myself and seven time SG winner TDub spent a few German style beers watching college football at their communal tables.

Dipping into the central mountains, any true Coloradoan knows of Salida.  A riverside town with some great arts and great bar/restaurant scene.  I ventured on the requisite town bike to Moonlight Pizza, which also brews their own beers.  A slice and cold beer in their outdoor area with a late summer mountain vibe was memorable.

It’s been there for years, but Southern Sun in Boulder was the perfect post-CU Spring Game stop.  Tasty beers and even tastier entrees.  The décor is very Boulder-ish and service is uber-friendly.

I tagged along with three time SG winner JL Smooth on an all-encompassing Boulder craft tour.  Stop one was Fate Brewing, which had good beers and great appetizers.  Wasn’t your typical beer fan vibe, as there’s a family setting and a great patio.  Stop two was a beer fan honey hole: J Wells Brewing, a tiny nanobrewery in an industrial park.  Where we were served by, who else, J Wells.  The last two spots were Sanitas and Wild Woods, the first with a great outdoor area and the latter with a tasty beer selection.

It wasn’t all breweries in 13, as some old standard bar/restaurants caught the SG eye.  One of those was Ernie’s Pizza Bar in the Sunnyside neighborhood.  Reinvented over the past couple years, Ernie’s has great Italian cuisine and an extensive beer menu.

High above Nederland stands the tiny enclave of Rollinsville, blink and you might miss it.  But a quick turn into the “main drag” and you’ll see the venerable Stage Stop Inn.  Bright and roomy, complete with art, great all-day breakfast food, and a nice beer selection, it is the perfect lazy afternoon resting point.

Video gamers have flocked to 1Up in LoDo for tourneys and the like, but even us imbibers can appreciate their cold beers and old school games.  A great place on a hot Rockies’ day for a cold beer and some Skee Ball or Donkey Kong.

On the other end of the LoDo spectrum is the Viewhouse.  Massive and mainly open, the Viewhouse has the standard pub fare and cold beers of all flavors in the shadow of Coors Field.  Its giant backyard draws the pseudo Vegas daytime crowd, drinkers, and those looking to soak the Colorado sunshine.

A family summer vacation took us to Grand Lake and during nap times I was able to walk to the Lariat Saloon on the fabled Grand Lake Boardwalk.  A true dive bar that doesn’t really cater to the tourist crowd, I enjoyed a simple Coors Original.  Apparently it’s an older bar with quite the history, but was more interested in a nice conversation with the bartender and regulars.

The same trip saw a more family friendly trip to Brickhouse 40 in Granby.  A restored 40 year old brick building, it has decent food, a great interior, and cold beers.  The kids were giddy from a horseback riding session and colored away, while Mrs Commish and I babbled about who knows what in a rare lunch without endless under-five year old questions and concerns.  It was a memorable afternoon, and that’s what most of these bar trips create.  You’ll remember the conversations, the people, and the funny stories from across the thousands of watering holes in this great state.  Cheers!

Hello Yellow

Yes, those are the new Nuggets alternate uniforms for 2012-13.  Well, kind of new, since that is the logo from the 80s, but that color is from Big Bird.

Consensus is pretty cool; a nod to the great Nugs teams of the era with a new color twist.  Even if that twist is from a mustard bottle.

They'll wear them for 18 games this year, and as Current Slushy Gutter Winner T-Dub points out, they might have to share them with Marquette.

So, as this blog likes to call the home team the Powder Blue Patrol, we may have to come up with a new moniker for our Mellow Yellows.  The Old Gold Guard?  Dehydrated Piss Patrol?  Yellow Cabbies?

One thing is for sure, they'll wear them for the Knicks visit in March; that yellow belly turncoat Carmelo will love his old team's new color.

RELATED: Junior Mafia - "Get Money" - ("Who would ever think that you would spread like mustard?")

Still Stinging

It's been a few days and the collective guts of CU fans ares till smarting after the loss to the little brother from CSU. The beauty of football (outside of early-90's Nate Netwon posing nude for your art class) is that there's usually another game after the one you just upchucked all over the field.

For the Buffs that would be the Sacramento State Hornets. No, not the Sacramento Knigs, there won't be any dudes named Jimmer sacking Buff QBs. The Hornets hail from the Big Sky Conference, home to another FCS team, Montana State, who famously beat the Buffs in 06 (and prompted four time SG winner to yell at Dan Hawkins as he left the field, "honeymoon's over, asshole!")

Sacramento (my wife spent a few months in California when Arnold was govenor so each time I hear the word 'Sacramento' it rings in an Arnold accent. Try it: "Sahhcrahmentoh") State lost by a big score to the New Mexico State Aggies last week, and are picked by Big Sky experts to finish ninth in the league. That is of little solace to Buff fans, who are cringing over an inept passing game, coaching blunders, and special team's miscues just a few short days ago.

In short, these Hornets could extend the Buffs' sting if the team plays anything like last week.

RELATED: Lost Boyz f/ Tha Dogg Pound - "Music Makes Me High (Remix)" - ("...be on it like a hornet kickin dat in your stomach")

Been Five Years Since Ya Last Beer

Five years ago, some friends of mine. Memorial Day is a special holiday here at the SG. One, it is the start of Summer, and this crap is called Slushy Gutter Summer. But it also marks the beginning of the summer drinking season. And no more was that on display than it was five short years ago, when I expanded on the original "Slushy Gutter Summer" (me drinking 528 beers in a summer) into the 2007 version where the SG Crew tried to gulp down 5280 beers in the summer.

You can reminisce about it right here, and we promise Pete Rock won't get mad at you.

Thinking back, doing the math, seeing the numbers, it stands pretty impressive. That's a lot of hooch. Enough to keep the frat house going for a weeks. Or a Charlie Sheen party.

Fast forward from that summer and here we are five years older and definitely not any wiser. There have been no calls to get the band back together and frankly that's a good thing. The odds of us pulling off the 5280 mark would be steeper than the Rockies winning the NL pennant. Our livers are tired, some tastes have gone to other spirits, and more importantly, enough kids have going the SG Crew family to power a small sweat shop.

5280 beers was so 2007. 2012? We could reach it if Juicky Juices, Sprites, and Capri Suns were included. Slushy Gutter, indeed...

RELATED: Pete Rock - "Tru Master"

Salt River Fights

The heckler of hip hop, hop to this one
I got more kid, they hate to miss one...

The Rockies v Ubaldo back and forth has finally boiled over with a benches clearing plunking of Tulo yesterday by the former ace. The once cherished Ubaldo is now an official "former player" hanging with the likes of Melo and Kyle Orton. A brief text convo between Commish CH and five time SG winner T-Dub sums up the feelings of the Rox fan base.

CH: Ubaldo plunked Tulo at SRF today. Got ugly.
TW: Wow!
CH: Ubaldo booed off field. Tulo heated. Benches emptied.
TW: I kind of feel bad for Ubaldo in a way. Granted he shouldn't have sulked last year as reported, but Tulo needs to put his money where his mouth is.
CH: Hit him intentionally. Fuck him. Smiley Drake looking two faced dick bag.
TW: I'm sure he did. Yeah, fuck him. Skip the beans and crush the rice.

RELATED: Canibus - "2nd Round KO"

Miami Heist

PROPS and DROPS from the Buffs' blow out loss to the Ducks and the Broncos' miracle win in Miami:

PROPS: Wanted: A hypnotist to work with local professional football quarterback. Repsonsibilities include hypnotizing said QB into thining that first 55 minutes of football game is actually teh last five minutes. Please apply with with Denver Broncos, Dove Valley, Colorado. To say that Tim Tebow's first three quarters of football was horrid is a disservice to thw word 'horrid'. He had more good passes to dudes in Bronco/Dolphin polo shirts than to actual Bronco WRs. But there he was in the last two drives looking like Fran Tarkenton Jr (minus the cheesy hosting role on "That's Incredible!") Yes, the Bronco brain trust didn't actually let him loose with the vanilla game plan, but what do expect, they only had two weeks to prepare.

DROPS: Let's remember that this was the Miami Dolphins that we are talking about here. They have a QB named Matt Moore, dropped at least five passes, play in a half empty stadium, and have a coach who will soon be appearing as an analyst rather than a football coach.

PROPS: Lost in the Tebow hysteria was Matt Prater's flawless onside kick execution. The bounce he got on that would make a professional foursquare player blush. Yes, the Dolphin player dropped it, but the hangtime allowed the Donk players to converge on him and dislodge the rock. Far out theory on the bounce: that field in Miami is one of two in the NFL that is shared with baseball; the field is a bit harder and compact due to the use of the turf.

PROPS: Was there not a person in the known football universe that thought the Broncos would do anything but run Tebow on the 2pt conversion? Why even bother covering the spread WRs? You have a great chance Tebow wouldn't be able to get the ball to an uncovered WR on the sideline.

DROPS: Is there anything worse than a blowout score where you only have 2 points? It just screams "our snapper screwed up at some point and gave up a safety." But alas, the Buffs got their 2 points and were spared the humiliation of a shutout, because you know they haven't been humiliated all season.

PROPS: I saw no dropoff with the Ducks backup QB in the game, rather he looked quicker and more agile than their normal starter. Depth, that's what good/great teams have. Point fingers at Dan Hawkins or whoever, but the Buffs depth is non-existant. You have guys playing in positions they've never played, walk ons everywhere, and injured players struggling to play.

PROPS: Former SG winner Juck joked all day that "we need to build around our kicking game." After seeing Buff punter Darragh O'Neill punt a billion times, that's not reallty a wacky concept. It could be argued he is one of the team's best players, and that when he punts he puts the opposing offense in a position to be less-than-successful. Recruit the defensive players to keep the offense at bay and a power running game to go with it and you have a winner! There you go Embree, us drunks solved your entire dilemna.

DROPS: CU becomes the second BCS team (Indiana) to be eliminated from the post season. Throw all the jokes about not missing Shreveport or Albuquerque, but even those bowls are looking so far off now. Sad day when we miss the Weedeater Bowl.

RELATED: Tim Dog - "Step To Me"

SG Brackets Caper '11

I provide bright flava, so you could sketch me
Do me a favor, dont try and catch me...

If everything you look at from your breakfast danishes to the flow charts at the office suddenly look like a bracket, that must mean it is time for the 4th Annual Slushy Gutter Bracket Challenge.

The annual contest sees any SG reader, hanger on, or just random person, eligible to win the SG Challenge. And if you win it all? You get absolutely freaking nothing. A heaping portion of nada. What else!? Nothing!

To be fair, we will give the winner the title of Hoops Master for one year. Although that and $1 will get you a McValue Menu hamburger.

As per tradition, Commish CH and four time Slushy Gutter Winner T-Dub will renew their yearly wager. In 08, we saw TW rock the Mummy look; 09 saw CH lose the bet and had to go Count Chocula, and the rubber match last year saw CH lose again and go Hulkster on everyone. Toned down in 2011 the lower score between the two will force him to wear a cape to one CU home football game. That's it, that simple: wear a cape. So simple, yet so stupid.

YAHOO SLUSHY GUTTER BRACKETS 2011

LINK

ID: 66205

Password: beer

-----------------------
RELATED: Maestro Fresh Wes - "Let Your Backbone Slide"

GABF Represent

Commish CH, current Slushy Gutter Winner T-Dub, and former Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth attended the Great American Beer Fest in Denver last night. Some highlights:

-The line to get in is long. Like longer than the line to see Empire Strikes Back in 81. I ask my crew what would make the waiting go faster. One says "beer" the other says "strippers." That could actually be the answer to all of life's ails.

-To pass the line time we could do the Pipelayer dance?

-5:30: Festival open, a large cheer. The line starts to move swiftly. Somewhere the TSA at the airport feels a shudder.

-There's been 14 Slushy Gutters awarded; between the three of us we have nine of them. We curse the other five winners.

-I see a group of Juggalos. Do they serve Faygo beer?

-There's a dude with his two year old at the festival. As a fellow dad I am torn between shunning him or giving him Dad of the Year.

-The Humpty Dance is being played. Seriously, Hump how did you pull chicks at Burger King? And why BK, was Wendy's closed? McDonald's being remodeled? Why you fronting on Arby's Hump?

-Beer #1 is a selection from Colorado Boy brewery. Colorado Boy, sounds like a gay travel agency, but is a good ice breaker.

-Pretzel necklaces are the rage at the festival. They help cleanse the mouth and keep your belly full. Me and Smooth sport them while T-Dub is jealous. We meet up with our man Father Tuck, who offers hugs and crushes half my pretzels.

-Smooth and T-Dub are popping boners over a beer called Pliny the Elder. While they wait in line, I scoop up three other beers. Opportunity, son.

-I've exhausted most of my pretzels, and I as a take it off T-Dub tries to snatch it and it falls and smashes to the ground. Can you call party foul on that? Or Pretzel Foul?

-I sample a chile beer and surprisingly it is very tasty. Ole!

-Brooklyn Brewery is there and I can't help mumble "Where's Brooklyn at!?" They are not impressed.

-There's lots of dudes taking notes of all the beers they drink. Probably some nerdy blogger. I mean who takes notes for a blog...oh wait.

-The brewery that does Olde English is there. I scan the memory banks and determine that I haven't had a OE since 1994. Damn straight, I got me one. Somewhere the 94 Commish is hollering.

-I sample a Key Lime Pie Beer. Holy crap, you can taste the lime, the marshmallow and the graham crackers. I feel like I'm sitting on a porch on a summer day.

-Time to grub and I get a chicken sandwich. This isn't a standard sando, there might well be a whole damn chicken on this bun. Second wind has arrived.

-We're in another line when I dude with a beard with long hair and a beard blows past everyone claiming he only has to wash his hands. The janitor yells "hey, ya'll Jesus has to keep his hands clean, make way!"

-Smooth and TDub are in line while me and Tuck are making fun of 'Fedora Guys', which there seems to be a lot of. TDub strikes a conversation with them and we find out they are from our hometown and actually cool dudes. Asshole alert and it points right at me.

-There's a few drunks in the crowd, but most of the drunks are working behind the tables serving the beer. Now if that could only apply to everyone's job.

-A chubby dude is waving to his friends across the aisle and T-Dub waves back. They aren't amused. Beer: makes most people friendly, unless you're fat.

-The floor is getting slick as people clear out, so slick we think about rocking some genie pants and doing some Hammer moves.

-A server is reaching drunkeness. How do I know? She's dressed as a pirate and pouring our glasses while it rests in her cleavage.

-I've knocked out the OE, so I double my pleasure with a PBR.

-Our ride is en route. We get a "beer two minute warning" and we all successfully navigate the two minute drill to score a beer TD.

RELATED: Tha Alkaholiks - "Make Room"

Buffs Gash Goats

The SG Crew ventured to Invesco Field at Mile High to take in the Buffs hammering of the Rams. A brief timeline:

6:15- Clarence Cricket arrives at my house; Colorado, the only state in the union where people get up earlier on off days than for work.

6:20- Hot bagels!

6:45- We arrive at four time Slushy Gutter winner TW's crib. He asks Clarence if he's wearing an over abundance of Axe Body Spray. Clarence says it's "bug spray."

7:00- We arrive to pick up three time Slushy Gutter winner Juck. He and his friend Frank answer the door drinking two cold Colorado Native Lagers. Birds of a feather.

7:30- We have to wait in a line to get into the parking lots at 8am. Damn lines. You know what makes lines more bearable? An ice cold Coors Light.

8:00- Lot C is open, the SG Crew has staked their spot. More ice cold Coors Lights.

8:10- Sirius Backspin Classic Hip Hop Channel is playing only songs from 1990 all weekend. Somehow MC Hammer's "Pray" and LL's "Around The Way Girl" don't get the tailgate rocking.

8:30- Breakfast burritoes. Many. Tons. Like Mexico doesn't have any left.

9:00- We questioned if we could down 50 beers in the first hour. I have four beer tabs in my pocket. Oh, so close.

9:30- The lot is not even close to half full. I say half full because I'm the eternal optimist.

9:45- Drunk girl sighting #1. A nearby girl is taunting CSU fans as she dances to 70's rock band Boston.

10:00- Eight tabs in my pocket. Progress.

10:15- I always get a kick out of LL's line in "Momma Said Knock You Out" where he talks about his nine being easy to load. Yes, LL the gangster, and his gun is very user friendly.

10:00- The lot is surprisingly mellow. Someone needs to light a couch on fire or something.

11:00- Tailgate begins to pack it in. Mrs Commish and I head for the gate with four beers in hand. Lines at the gate. Remember what helps those pesky lines.

12:00- Kickoff. Stadium is no more than at half capacity. I say half capacity because I'm the eternal optimist. Or drunk.

1st Q- TW tells me over and over, "Can you believe this, college football?" Yeah, I believe it when I send them my season ticket bill every year.

2nd Q- CU looks flat, but they still control the game. McKnight scores after he was so open that I could've covered him from the stands.

2nd Q- CU blocks a Ram kick to go into the half with a shutout. No beers in the stadium, so we too are shut out.

3rd Q- CU is in total control. This CSU team is not very good. Their fans are leaving in droves. Fuck it, the stadium is 3/4 empty.

3rd Q- CSU forgoes a 4th and 1 to get a FG on the board. Our section takes it as a diss and demands CU "go up top" the rest of the game.

4th Q- This is the best bunch of CU WR's I've seen in sometime. Hence, more chanting to "go up top"

4th Q- Announced crowd of nearly 61K. I call bullshit and start to count myself. I make it to about 39 and stop.

Final- Game is over and we decide to not take in the presentation of the ever-cheesy Centennial Cup. You know the trophy at the local bar that they won in rec league softball? That's better than the Centennial Cup.

3:15- Some piece of crap has taken down our flagpole and stole the State of Colorado flag. Probably the Governor.

4:00- Cops. Lots of cops in riot gear, on horse, on gold carts, on those tiny motorbikes that clowns ride.

4:00- I made up the clown bike thing.

4:30- I'm home and surprisingly I'm half coherent. Hell, that calls for more CLs!

RELATED: Poor Righteous Teachers- "Rock Dis Funky Joint"

Mr Quinn, Can We Call You Q?

My mind won't allow me to not be curious
My folk don't understand so they don't take it serious...

If you thought that Coach McHoodie and the Donks had a comprehensive, point-by-point, detailed off-season plan, somewhere along the lines of the almost HAL-like working of his mentor in New England, you might be wrong.

Bring in a revamped DL. Cut your most productive linebacker (who wasn't earning any money). Sign your restricted guys to tender sheets. Trade for a former first round QB. Rearrange the office furniture to achieve Feng Shu. Get rid of the tater tots in the cafeteria.

The most curious move has no doubt been the trade to bring in Brady Quinn, who met with the assembled Denver hacks yesterday. (Oh we weep at the end of the Chris Simms' era though.) The plan at QB seems to be that there is no plan. What seemed as a clear cut plan that McD was following- ride Orton for two years while bringing in a 2010 draft pick- has gone up in Quinn's muscle bound arms. But does that translate to McD suddenly going batty batty batty and abandoning that plan?

The results from the combine might've forced McD to bring in a top draft pick from 2007 (Quinn) rather than a guy this year. Sam Bradford and his injuries, Jimmy Clausen and his receding hairline, Tim Tebow masquerading as a QB in a H-Back's body (three-time SG Award Winner JL Smooth has always maninted H-Back translates to "white fullback"), and a bunch of mid-round guys (Dan LeFevour is intriguing though he might be a longer project) weren't going to make the Donks a player in the AFC. And if McD has learned one thing in Our Fair State, it's that Donk fans are growing very impatient.

He knows he needs to win and the best chance to do that is with Kyle Orton in the system and some pressure behind him from someone who's last name doesn't rhyme with Miss Rims. Perhaps he still feels with the right coaching (Cleveland isn't exactly known for developing players in to all-pro mold) that Quinn could also be a factor. Quinn has more physical tools than Tom Brady ever has, perhaps even in his poon-catching ability, and McD was able to do wonders with Brady. Maybe there is a method to McD's madness...or maybe he really has no clue.

RELATED: X-Clan - "Funkin Lesson" - ("Space to exist, vibe in the midst of the chaos...")

SG Bracket-mania!

In other words I'm official
I never go out like a wet piece of tissue...

While the college hoops and sports world have been on pins and needles with who gets in and who is left out of the NCAA Tourney, we here at the SG have been waiting and debating for the SG Tournament Challenge. Remember? The Commish and four time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub have renewed their yearly bet; whoever has the crappier bracket has to dress as something or someone at a CU football game in the fall.

2008 saw The Commish win and T-Dub have to go all Mummy on us. 2009 saw T-Dub turn the tables and CH had to rock the Count Chocula outfit at Folsom Field. (Quick side note- CU record on dress-up day: 0-2)

Here's the 2010 edition and the agreed upon character? Hulk Hogan. Oh yeah, brother! Hulkamania will run wild on you this fall! No-talent daughter not required.

Of course SG readers, relatives, scornful co-workers, drunk bar buddies, and anyone with a pulse are invited to play along. Winner is declared the Hoops Ruler for an entire year and the rest of the field gets a folding chair to the face. All you need is a Yahoo ID; hoops know-how is optional.

Yahoo Slushy Gutter Brackets 2010

LINK

ID: 27625

Password: beer

Buffs Rocked Chalked

Ways of rhyming, old and new, past and present
Knock, knock, who is it?

The Slushy Gutter Crew fanned out last night, with three time Slushy Gutter Winner JL Smooth and four time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub taking in the Buffs' OT loss to top ranked Kansas and two time Slushy Gutter Winner Commish CH taking in the Nugs' lopsided loss to the Suns. The following text chain took place over the night:

JL: 10 minutes in down by 16

JL: Got it down to 6

CH: Aldrich is solid

JL: Tied up. Nice

JL: Overtime

CH: Anyone in foul trouble/out?

JL: No

CH: Played hard, Bz gets props

CH: We had ball with 37 seconds tied- bad shot, bad play?

TW: Brought it down court called TO with 10 seconds and Higgins ends ups missing a loooong 3.......dumb

JL: Horrible shot. Called a to with 10 seconds then Higgins puts up a 28 footer

CH: What happenned between 37 and 10? Just dribbling at top of three line?

TW: They were damn close to getting a halfcourt violation

CH: CU hoops loses, nuggets down big, recruiting sucks, bisnow flames out- shit somewhere Elways probably getting whipped with a moldy dildo too.

TW: How does a dildo get moldy

CH: Left in a dark moist place too long---like your butthole

TW: Is that what that was

RELATED: 3rd Bass - "Pop Goes the Weasel" - ("For kids in Kansas...")

Count Chocula Cometh

Since the thousands hundreds tens handful of SG readers have probably forgot, tomorrow is the day when the 2009 SG Bracket Racket bet will be paid.

Cliff Notes version: Three time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub and The Commish bet over who will have the better March Madness brackets. The loser has to dress up in an agreed upon costume at one CU home football game in the fall, and that costume this year is Count Chocula.

Makes perfect sense: Basketball bet in March, paid off at football game in Fall by dressing as an animated cereal character.

After losing the tilt in last year and having to go all Mummy on us in 2008, T-Dub turned the tables and defeated The Commish this year. Therefore, I will be going as Count Chocula to the CU-Mizzou game tomorrow.

Unlike last year, there are NO Hip Hop songs that reference Count Chocula, NO beer that tastes/looks/sponsored by Count Chocula, and Count Chocula CAN'T start at point guard for the Nuggets.

Although, if things go poorly at Folsom, Count Chocula might go in at QB for the Buffs.

Dragin at Mile High

The Slushy Gutter Crew ventured out this weekend to take in the Mile High Nationals at Bandimere Speedway here in CO. Some highlights:

-A strange detour as the night begins as we stop at a smoke shop. I figure someone needs some cigars. But no, the purchase? Snuff. JBiz** calls it "anal snuff" and juvenile humor ensues.

-The second stop is at a C-Store for tall cans. A sign on the door offers an "upgrade" from an old soda glass to a new one. Parting with my 1994 Jurassic Park cup will be bitter but in the end well worth it.

-The tall cans are a frosty reward for a hot day, however TDub*** cannot open his. According to him the pop top is "broken." According to the rest of us, he is the broken one.

-We are listening to Special Ed and talking dirt track racing. The conversations fuse together and somehow Special Ed owns and operates a dirt race track.

-What crowd do I expect at the races? Strictly the redneck white-bred sect. However, I am wrong. There are black rednecks, Hispanic rednecks, Goth rednecks, gangster rednecks, hippie rednecks, etc. Drag racing: the great unifier.

-Pickles* jokingly says "they don't serve beer here." TDub looks at him and says "I'll kill you."

-One dude is wearing a Motley Crue tshirt, another an Iron Maiden shirt. These aren't the ones you can buy at Target, these are straight from 1986. Somewhere, the 80s Commish* is rocking his jean jacket but countering the headbangers with his Public Enemy shirt.

-Anti tobacco crusaders wouldn't like this venue. Smokers galore. Dudes with a half a can of chew in their grills. And of course, our resident snuff user. JBiz still chuckles when he calls it "anal snuff"

-I hate Bud Light Lime. To me it tastes like stale Bud mixed with lime Kool Aid. I hate it even more now because they are selling 24 ounce cans of it for $11.

-Motorcyles are racing now. They are like some futuristic Tron like bikes.

-After the bikes are done, every pit guy comes out and combs the track. It reminds me of the giant comb from Spaceballs. I chuckle to myself, but no one else is amused.

-Decepticon Sean's brother has six Bud Light bottles with him. Not six empties, but six full bottles. That's $36 worth of hooch for one guy. In college I could buy a keg of beer for that.

-Some very helpful necks break down most of the proceedings for us during the funny car runs. The drivers don't necessarily like the high altitude racing in Colorado. Somewhere Mike Hampton agrees.

-Each run (about 7 seconds) costs about $15,000. Obama's stimulus has apparently trickled down to drag racing.

-Ashley Force is the superstar of the proceedings. Her shirts are everywhere and her paddock is mobbed by fans. Unlike some of her hot female counterparts in other racing disciplines, she is actually one of the top drivers. Still, the main comments from fans are about her tits.

-The noise, vibration, and flash of the car shakes everything from my eyelids to my ball sack. Next time, I'm wearing a jock strap.

-My earplugs could supply enough wax for a candle. Someone send the Commish some damn Q-tips.

-Jeez Steve** and some other patrons have gotten themselves into a near Battle Royale near the starting line. Think Sharks versus Jets standoff in wife beaters and multi colored racing hats.

-It starts to rain and lightning heavily during the top alcohol fuel dragsters. We're going to need a big damn squeegee.

-The snuffer in the group has become Tyrone Biggums with the damn stuff.

-During the rain delay we venture to the beer tent in the paddock area. It smells like piss.

-I take a tour of the Skoal tent. I have to fill out more paperwork to get into said tent than when I registered to vote. After I fil out the needed paperwork, a buxom blonde in a skimpy Skoal outfit asks "What brand do you smoke?" to which I reply that I dont smoke. She asks a follow up of "what brand do you chew?" And my answer is the same. The look on her face is somewhat saying "then why the hell are you in here?" The look on my face is 1- it's raining outside and 2- you and ten other girls are wearing slutty outfits.

-The rain and lightning aren't letting up, but the beer is still flowing. Someone buys some fries with a gallon of ketchup and they are gone in 7.23 seconds. They timed us on the big board, it is the best time of the day.

-With the weather, we venture to the Rock Rest Saloon in Golden for a burger and cold pitchers. There's a guy there dancing with his pool cue like he's Patrick Swayze and it's Jennifer Grey.

-Word comes from the track (Jeez Steve has stayed behind) that racing will resume. The masses scatter like roaches to catch the festivities. The Commish take a pass and suddenly he is solo with a full pitcher.

-I grab a pool stick. I'm gonna freak that damn pool cue like no other. No one puts pool stick in the corner.

(NOTE: number of * denotes number of Slushy Gutter titles)

Seriously Golden

When taking away what little time that I got
The mind view in energy oxen I pick the combination spot
When in 1985 they injected me with props...

The Nuggets vanquished the Mavericks in Game Five and advanced to the Western Conference Finals for the first time since 1985...

-Like a QB in college football, or a goalie in hockey, or a hot pitcher in the MLB, in the NBA, you can have all the "role" players on a team you need, but in the end you need superstars. Last night, the Nugs' superstar Carmelo Anthony embodied the word, even if the rest of the hoops' world doesn't recognize. Drives to the hoop, switching shots in the air, fall away jumpers, rebounds and finding the open man when doubled, Melo came up with a signature game in this series. His 3-pointer with 2 seconds on the shot clock at the six minute mark was defacto series clincher. Superstar 1A was obviously Chauncey Billups. Want to see his philosophy of sharing the rock outside of the 12 assists? He's driving to the hoop in the first half, damn well could've dunked it, and he still passes it to KMart, who is fouled and makes one of two.

-Play by play guy when describing Chauncey: "Had his choice of all the big time programs. Chose instead to got to the University of Colorado in Boulder." What? CU isn't a "big time" program? Come on, we've been to one, count em...one NCAA tourney in 35 years when a player than other Chauncey has been on the team! And we stock the NBA with players, there's a grand total of one. CU and Hoops Power are synonymous.

-Owner Stanley Kroenke's suit? A) Marcus Camby left a bunch of suits in his locker when he was traded. B) He is joining the Brian Setzer Orchestra. C) Walmart's new Tommy Gun 1939 line?

-Outside of use of timeouts, George Karl got the checkmate on Rick Carrey Carlisle throughout the game and the entire series. Karl's substitutions were part hunch-based, part-need, and thouroughly calculated. Carlisle seemed to be throwing darts to try to get the right personnel on the floor. Jason Kidd had a horrible first half last night, yet Carlisle kept Jose Barea on the bench depsite his productive Game Four. Karl limited Birdman's minutes last night after his first half minutes didn't amount to much more than a few fouls and pretty much rode his vets the enitre second half. Carlisle on the other hand had young hothead Antoine Wright on the floor late in the game.

-Three time Slushy Gutter winner Van Kordell texted me and asked if Super Dave Osborne was calling the game.

-Big ups to TNT for some of the old school looks and references. The Nuggets navy blue crayola away jersies, Mike Evans curl, Zang's Brewery, Doug Moe, and does Bill Hanzlik ever age?

-Kenyon Martin dunk alley oop from JR Smith with a minute to go? Ooops I think I crapped my pants.

-Long break or keep playing- what is the better option for this team? The 2007 Rockies might have an opinion. However, basketball isn't as tied to timing and rhythm like a MLB batter or pitching staff. The players will welcome the rest and most likely have a few tough practices facing them. Fortunately, there are no injuries, but Melo did look a bit bruised last night in the leg last night and at one point appeared to be holding his, umm, "Lil Melo" (reminds me of the not-classic film Johnny B Good, where Anthony Michael Hall tells his coach "I broke my dick coach.) And someting might not be right with Birdman. The Nugs may go into NHL injury report mode, but his last three games have been far short of earlier in the postseason.

RELATED- 1985 Hip Hop - LL Cool J - "I Can't Live Without My Radio" (Live on Soul Train); Kurtis Blow - "If I Ruled The World"; Run DMC - "King of Rock"

Opening Day 09

Rhymes get twisted, brain cells dissolve
As the world revolves, wack crews lick my balls...

SCENES FROM OPENING DAY 2009, A ROCKIES WIN:

-Three time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub is warned by his wife to not ask anyone to "show me your tits" this year. I correct her that he never actually asked to see tits, he simply chanted "tits." She does not appreciate the clarification.

-Clarence Cricket cannot make the game, opening a spot for three time Slushy Gutter winner JL Smooth. Unfortunately, he is in a training class for work. He raises his hand and gets a bathroom pass from Mr Kotter and totally ditches out.

-First pitch is four hours off but TDub drives through LoDo like he's Jeff Gordon. Hey, there's beer to be drank.

-The word "chonska" is uttered.

-Juck decides to take a leak in the parking garage; preemptive strike.

-LoDo has morphed into a weird hybrid of Mardi Gras, a swap meet and a fashion show. People are giving out more free shit than Matthew Lesko.

-We enter the first bar, there is a mother enjoying the day with her two kids. Baseball: the great generational outing. She pounds a beer while the tykes have sippy cups. Alcohol: Mom's way of coping.

-10:41am- beer #1. Trav texts and asks why we were starting so late.

-Iron Maiden plays on the overhead. Damn, I shouldve worn my jean jacket.

-Our buddy Keith shows up and he is "pumped", he is so excited I think he may crap his pants.

-There's a guy in a old truck collecting pallets. This strikes me as odd to do in LoDo on Opening Day, maybe he will hand out the pallets with free Lays Potato Chips.

-There are about 100 Red Bull girls outside the bar. They are either aggressively marketing or planning on taking over the block with military force.

-In the bar there are scores of very attractive girls, beers flowing, baseball on TV. But what catches my attention? A little kid has the same toy with him that my daughter has. What can I say, that's where I am in life these days. Somewhere the 24 year old Commish wants to kick my ass.

-Former Donk kicker David Treadwell is there, although I think it is former Nugget Mark Randall (Treadwell= 6ft 3in, Randall= 7ft) Keith remarks he wants to "kick him in the nuts for those misses versus the Raiders.)

-You are at Opening Day: baseball, outdoors, beer, friends, cheering. You are not clubbing in a swanky martini bar. If you are wearing a fancy shirt, slacks, and sleek shoes, you are a douchebag.

-We are on the move to another bar, but that term is used loosely as the only beer they have is Corona. T-Dub remarks it tastes like "a sweat sock."

-At the bar is a large business group, complete with name tags. There are a couple of unused name tags, so me and JL decide that we will wear them. JL is now Van Kordell and the Commish is now Sean Novac of some random banking outfit. We wear them all day.

-Cole Hammels sounds like an 80s movie bad guy. Isn't he they guy who kicked Ducky's ass in Pretty In Pink?

-Dexter Fowler is called out for running out of the baseline, prompting Tangerine to get a bit heated on the umpires. It gives us a chance to get more beers.

-The Rox jump all over Hammels early. The home team is going Daniel-son on his Cobra Kai ass!

-Keith has gone missing. We scan the dugout and see him telling Ryan Howard how "pumped" he is to be there. Howard, who continues to hit into DPs, is not amused.

-Fly ball! Heading toward me...coming closer...right there...ouch! Fly balls are hard on the bare hand. Luckily, my beer is safely under my seat.

-Game over, and the Rox have an impressive win. More beers ensue. Douchebag factor in LoDo is also increasing. Drunk fan factor in LoDo is very high (present company included.)

-Over the years Ive given TDub scores of new, trendy, cutting edge, contemporary Hip Hop. I extolled the quality of scores of Golden Age releases from the Alkaholiks to Fat Joe's first CD to lesser Wu releases. Yet what are we listening to on the way home? Tone Loc Loc'd After Dark.

-I'm pretty hungry so we stop at not Taco Bell or order a pizza, maybe a burger. No, we stop at a conveinence store and I buy a fruit punch Gatorade, a spicky Slim Jim, and a bag of honey peanuts. Nutrition right there son.

Buffs Are Mad As Hell

Cause I'm a player, doin what the players do

The package store was closed, okay my day is ruined...

A few highlights from the CU recruiting class and the Recruiting Luncheon:

--Clark Evans, a 6-5 230 lb QB from California could be the real deal. Many comparisons to a certain Florida QB, and we aren’t talking Jeff Garcia. At a size like that, Mr Evans could be resembling Big Ben by 2013.

--Offensive lineman Ryan Miller and Max Tuioto Mariner have been granted an extra year of eligibility by the NCAA. This is good news not only because they are tremendous players, but I like shortening Max’s name to MTM, and that fills my head with images of Mary Tyler Moore playing guard.

--The mood of the team can be summed up in one word: pissed. Tired of finishing around 500, tired of losing in the Big 12 North, tired of the Slushy Gutter Crew showing up all drunk and belligerent to the games. I made that last thing up.

--CU will play two Thursday Night games this year, making the following Fridays a hazy-headed start to the weekend.

--While the staff lost out on a few WR prospects on signing day (Diante Jackson- where ya head at?) they did manage to pull in three receivers with 6-3 height or more. Terdema Ussery from the Dallas area looks especially nimble.

--Top Colorado prospect Nick Kasa (DE) was a man among boys in his highlights. He simply overpowered, and more importantly- outspeeded, the opposition. I don’t think outspeeded is a word, but maybe we can make it one. Think Jared Allen-esque (minus the beard.)

--Coach Bill McCartney is the muthf*ckin man here in CO. When he spoke, the whole damn crowd listens. Plus, the man still has a healthy hate for the cornshuckers to the east, disparaging them numerous times.

--Coach Hawk reads a lot of books. His presentation featured a bunch of positive thinking titles that would make Tony Robbins proud.

--The class finished in the 40s by most services, but it addressed the two biggest needs: defensive line and wide receiver. Added to Kasa is stud DT Edward Nukols. But the biggest “need” was the addition of a kicker. The two-star kicker brings down a class rating, but perhaps could be the biggest pull.

--Wheat Ridge standout Parker Orms, penciled to be a DB in college, is becoming a folk hero in these parts before even donning the Black and Gold. Whether he can crack the two-deep in his time in Bolder remains to be seen, but he will be a crowd favorite.

--By 11:55am, most tables at the luncheon had finished their lunch and were nursing coffee or ice water. At our table, representing with eight SG Awards, there are no less than nine empty beer bottles. Slushy Gutter, indeed.

Mummy Points

MUMMY COLORADO SPORTS:
-This Saturday brings the Buffs hosting the Okie State Cowboys up in the Republic; a 6pm national ABC telecast, which always lends to the alcohol level needle being revved up to 'full' (present company included.)

More importantly, it is The Mummy Game. For those thousands hundreds tens couple of SG readers, you know that former two time Slushy Gutter Winner TDub lost a bet to The Commish during March Madness and as the loser, he has to dress as a Mummy at a home CU game this year. How did he pick this week? As his he thrust his staff into the map of the city, complete with a Coors can on the staff of Ra, the sun shined through onto the calender and rested upon this Saturday's game. That was symbol that it this Saturday is Mummy Game. Yeah, I know, "thrust his staff."

Mummy will be introduced with the other Seniors in pregame introductions, offered a hearty handshake by Dan Hawkins, and get his first start of the year at QB. OSU coach Mike Gundy will question the Big 12 officials if playing a Mummy is legal and then remind them that, indeed, he's a man, and he's 40. I made that up, but Mummy (aka BUFFjunkie on CU fan sites) will be spending the game in section 120. Stop by and use some played-out Mummy cliche, like, "who's your Mummy?" or "do you want your Mummy?" or the always witty "Mummy dearest!"

MUMMY HIP HOP:
--Wu Tang- “Heaterz” - "Mountain men that be rich, you get buckshot, dumb be clapped, mummy wrapped and stitched."
--Def Squad - “Full Cooperation” - "You must be crazy tryin to play me, I been dedicated since King Tut the third baby." VIDEO
--Mellow Man Ace - “Hip Hop Creature” - "I rap so close around em and they end up like a mummy."
--Egyptian Lover- "Egypt, Egypt" VIDEO
--Boogie Down Productions - “You Must Learn (Remix)” - "It's good to note, that in ancient times Egyptians developed all sciences of the mind."
--Special Ed - “Here I Go Again” - "But they got cut like King Tut, then wrapped, from a dummy to a mummy, let's see how you adapt."
--Slick Rick - “Hey Young World” - "Don't be a dumb dummy and disrespect your mummy." VIDEO
--Tha Alkaholiks f/ Xzibit - “Killin it” - "It's hard to find like the grade A shit, with no cuts,
tryin to stack like King Tut, and still bang the microphone up."
--Dr Dre - “Still DRE” - "Got it wrapped like a mummy, still ain't tripping, love to see young blacks get money." VIDEO
--Cocoa Brovaz - “Won on Won” - "Try to challenge get damaged, plain and simple, with bandages around your temple." VIDEO
--Aesop Rock - “Big Bang” - "Road side prophetic, ascend well, enveloped in a mummy ribbon system, blistering in a wishing well."
--Redman and Method Man - “How High” - "The Egyptian Musk use to have me pull mad sluts." VIDEO
--3rd Bass - “Pop Goes the Weasel” - "Why score all my points in one period, appearin in complex structure like a pyramid." VIDEO

MUMMY BEER:
-According to snooty professors and dorks who watch too much History channel, the ancient Egyptians were crazy drunks. Or more aptly put, beer was a staple of their diet. They jacked the brewing process from the Asyrians and there are Hieroglyphics of Egyptians doing keg stands, playing beer pong, and siphoning beer bongs. In fact, it was the the original B.C. SG Crew that knocked the Sphinx's nose off when on a drunken excursion. Slushy Gutter, indeed.

Flushing the Browns

PROPS and DROPS from the Bronco come from behind win versus the Browns and the Buffs' last second win over Iowa State.

PROPS: The Donk tight ends was the standouts of the game. Daniel Graham's bruising TD ctach and run was a huge demoralizer for the Browns. Tony Sheffler gutted it out with a tender hammy and routinely romaed the center of the field and made some tough catches. Nate Jackson and his speed also presented matchup problems for the Browns. The softening of the middle of the Browns' defense and their concern over the tight ends lended to the WRs getting more man and man and open (see: Royal- 93 pass from Cutler.)

DROPS: The Buff kicking game continues to be stuck on stupid. At this rate they'll have to go Dallas Carter 1988 and just go for 2 pointers after each TD. Time for Coach Hawk to start scanning the Rivals site a bit more closely for four star kicking prospect. The Buffs' soccer team is nationally ranked, maybe one of those girls can split the uprights. Besides the field goal side, the return and coverage teams aren't reminding anyone of Devin Hester either. A long return set up Iowa State's last TD push and two roughing the kicker penalites were avoidable.

PROPS: With the entire starting LB unit on the shelf, Bronco subs Jamie Winborn and Wesley Woodyard were all over the field. The duo lead the team in tackles including a handful for a loss. More importantly, the two were the emotional leaders of the night. Yes, celebrating after Jamal Lewis makes a four yard gain might seem over-the-top, but it seems they were the only two players on a comatose defense who showed some energy. Woodyard especially made an impression, sprinting through any opening to corrall ball-carriers. His speed (4.5 forty) presents matchup problems and helps lessen the blow of losing DJ Williams.

PROPS: Cody Hawkins had his finest day this season, playing only in the 2nd half, but twice rallying the Buffs' to go-ahead scores. Hawkins was also deftly nimble, evading tacklers (the Buff o-line is still struggling mightily with injuries) and finding WRs. Witness the final TD, when Hawkins stood in the pocket, watched it break down and step forward, roll to his right and throw across the field to Cody Crawford. Granted, Hawkins wasn't doing this versus the Giants' pass rush, but it nonetheless kept CU in the game.

DROPS: The Bronco running back situation is ugly and there might nont be any relief in sight. Ryan Torian enjoyed a fine night until he was knocked out (season ending) which forced FB Peyton Hillis in the tailback role. That's three RBs on injured reserve in the last week. Hillis will get the tough yards, but he cannot be expected to tote a 25 carry game. Shanny, did you keep Mike Bell on speed dial? Defenses will likely drop eight into coverage the remainder of the season if there is no real ground threat.

PROPS: Defensive back Jimmy Smith started his first game for the Buffs and he played well. His biggest moment was the dropping the ISU running back on the games final play, preventing the winning touchdown. Smith has the look of a future NFL corner: speed, height, great tackling ability. He was in the top players with tackles for the game, and why that necessarily isn't a great thing (see: Paymah, Karl) he's not afraid to get physical with the massive Big 12 receivers he'll be matched up against.

PROPS: Next week at Folsom Field: The Mummy Game. If ya got a crew, ya better tell em.

RELATED: GZA/Genius - "Liquid Swords" - "The micphones like cyclones or typhoon,I represent from midnight to high noon..."

Ode to Zima

You trippin, must be that Zima you was sippin
Yo' accountant couldn't count how many bottles I be grippin...

The Slushy Gutter tribute to Zima, which will be discontinued by the Mothership after 15 years of production.

-Commish's first Zima experience: It was Fall of 1994 and I was at a party at the Spanish Towers in Boulder. The party was getting into the wee morning hours; keg dead, liquor stores closed, not a beer in sight. In the fridge was a six pack of Zima that belonged to the big haired girlfriend of the party's host. Hell, why not? What hit my mouth tasted like some concoction of rancid mouthwash mixed with hairspray and kitty litter. Not only was that my first Zima experience, but my last.

-Tha Alkaholiks reference Zima in their 1995 hit "Daaam" with the line the liquidator with the hardcore demanor / bustin out the perpetrators I see through em like a Zima. VIDEO

-In late 1999 and 2000 an email forward started making its way around the 'net about a couple of drunk Texas fans on the Saturday of the 99 Big 12 Championship (check the entire thing here). In it, throughout a boozy day and night, the story's author tells of his first Zima experience:

7:12 We have stopped for gas. I am hungry. I go inside the store. I walk past the beer frig. I notice a Zima. I've never had a Zima. I wonder if it's any good. I pull a Zima from the frig. I twist the top off and drink the Zima in three swallows. Zima sucks. I replace the empty bottle in the frig.

-Last year, in the second Slushy Gutter Summer Mission, current Slushy Gutter winner Juck tried to count Tangerine Zima onto his tally. When he was denied and admonished by his fellow SGers, he argued that Zima is in fact a type a beer, while most Mexican beers the SGers were imbibing were not. Fuzzy math? Or words of wisdom?

-A few years back, The Commish and Mrs. Commish toured the Mothership and was asked by the tour guide to name the eight (or so) brews that were crafted there. The large tour group came up with all, except one. The silence was deafening, until yours truly belted out the final piece: "Zima!" I beemed with pride as the tourists shot menacing glares in my direction.

Have a ZIMA story or info nugget from the past? Share in the COMMENTS section.