You Can Go Home Again

Dear Chauncey:

Welcome back to Denver, a few things I wanted to let you know:

-Those calls you'll be getting from Steve from 9th grade Algebra class, or Janet, the chick who you pushed out of the snow bank outside of Taco John's in 93, or Delroy, the guy who fixed your 1985 Lumina, just ignore them all.

-Remember the efficient, almost regimented, professional team approach that was employed in Detroit? Just go ahead and forget about that.

-That group of drunk aholes in section 121 at Folsom Field, who were screaming and hollering "M-V-P" towards you at the 2004 football opener? They're still there, and still drunk.

-Speaking of football, you're 6-1, fast, great hands, can find the open spaces, and have two years of college eligibility left, right? Ever play wide receiver? Call Dan Hawkins at 303-49-BUFFS.

-Hold up, you're 6-1, fast, great hands, can find the open spaces? Ever play running back? Call Mike Shannahan at 303-649-9000.

-Dude, there's a guy on your team now named Cheikh Samb. I can't make this shit up.

-Plenty of good seats available up at the Coors Event Center, and by plenty I mean you can walk up to the box office on any game day when the opponent isn't named Kansas and buy, say 9,000 tickets.

-Melo cut his braids, so you should respond by rocking that sweet high top fade from the George Washington High days.

-If the other nine Denver players suddenly stop during your first practice, don't worry, they're just confounded by what you call "defense."