Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Snow Job


But now I only hit chicks that win beauty pageants
Trickin, they takin me skiing, at the Aspens...
Things one may find today on the first day of ski season here in CO:

-That Guy. Yes, that guy. The one who’s been chugging Amp or Go Fast while camping in his car since he got wind that today might be the day. That Guy who has been telling his boss since Labor Day that “today could be the day.” That Guy with the banged up Thule rack, who also camped out at Sniagrab, with the A-Basin faded sticker on his rig. That guy who will scream “wooooooo” about 100 times before his board/skis even touch the snow. That Guy.

-Poser That Guy. Poser That Guy wants to be like That Guy. His Thule rack is brand spanking new, he chugs a Starbucks, he told his boss and his wife he “has a appointment with a client in the mountains.” His fancy SUV pulls in well after That Guy has taken a few runs. He screams “woooooo” and promptly face plants into the fresh snow.

-Dirt. Since only about three runs are open at the areas, expect a lot of dirt. Mud, sticks, trees, leaves, all the components more conducive to building a wigwam hut rather than swooshing down a mountain.

-Fakeness. That’s not snow from the sky you’ll be skiing/boarding on, but rather from a giant snow cannon that has been chugging since September. You can mess with your out-of-state friends and say that you cannot crash into the fake stuff because it is toxic. “Yeah, be careful not to fall into it, cause if you do, you’ll have a mean case of diarrhea and a purple rash.”

-Cats. No not meow, but snow cats, as in big orange things driven by some dude named Marty from Georgetown who wears a mesh hat. They help spread the fakeness.

-Media. Hordes of talking heads will be out in force with their fluff pieces about the first day of the season. That Guy will inevitably get many interviews: “I’ve been waiting for this since like last June, man. Wooooooooo!” Media also tends to seek out a subcomponent of That Guy, That Guy In The Goofy Outfit for interviews or camera shots. Goofy Outfit usually tries to attract attention to himself in a gorilla suit, a pink boa, or a Water Buffalo Lodge hat. You know, that guy in the outfit.

-Bikini Girl. Since it’s going to be rather warm, inevitably the girl in the bikini top will show up. She is known to get That Guy, Poser That Guy, That Guy In The Goofy Outfit, and Media all worked up. She’s like soft core porn on the mountain for them.

RELATED: Craig Mack - "Flava In Ya Ear (Remix)" - "I get more butt than ash trays, fuck a fair one I get mines the fast way, the ski mask way."

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