Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Tulo's Millions

Tanks gonna be full, to rappers wanna tempt me
I break the steering shift and leave em empty...


Troy Tulowitzki became a very wealthy man yesterday, thanks to the new contract The Purp gave him. Some changes you might see at Coors Field the next few years as a result:
--When the "Tulo" chant comes up, you will be required to clap with two crips five dollar bills that Tulo will supply.
--Rather than be introduced by some witty pop song, Tulo will only step to the plate with 2000s southern Hip Hop that brags about money. He will accentuate the song by using a diamond encrusted batting helmet.
--In an effort to counter CarGo's Taco Bell commercial with the girl in purple with the phat ass, Tulo has hired the entire cast from "Baby Got Back" to be in his Taco John's commercial.
--Now that he is the "face of Denver sports", Tulo's people are plotting to lock Tim Tebow in a locker each and every football Sunday.
--Tulo will buy out the rest of Dinger's contract and replace him with a giant inflatable Billy Ray Cyrus.
--Keep an eye out on Coors Club Level because to be more like his hero Derek Jeter, Tulo actually had it wrote into his new contract that he is required to bang more Hollywood skanks, pop stars, and B-list TV actresses.
--Oh wait, Tulo is married? So what's the problem? Signed, Tony Parker. (Insert snooty French laugh here)
-- "Hey Dan, that humidor downstairs? Do you mind if I store this case of champagne and massive bag of bird feed in there? Uhh, no, there's no money in that bag of feed."
--Remember those crisp five dollar bills? Please deposit them into the collection boxes upon leaving for the Ubaldo and CarGo funds.
RELATED: Broadway - "Must Stay Paid"

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16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

holy crap is that Tulo's wife. dammmmmm

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Spotwood said...

It's Jeter's soon to be wife, but close enough

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Anonymous skyler ulbrecht said...

Saw Tulo's wife in the paper. Not too shabby.

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