Real March Madness

Street's disciple, I rock beats that's mega-trifle
And groovy but smoother than moves by Villanova
You're still a soldier, I'm like Sly Stone in Cobra...

I'm sure most of you were as shocked as I was that the University of Colorado didn't make the NCAA field. It's been a couple days and I can finally rehash the emotional journey that I endured on Sunday...

9am: I awake. Somewhere the Buffs are practicing their intricate offensive scheme to be unleashed on some poor mid-major team. Coastal Carolina is quivering. Final Four!

Noon: Lunch. I review the CU record: a svelte 7-20 overall, 3-13 in the tough Big 12. The conference should get all 12 teams in to the field. Very niiiice!

1pm: Three hours until the brackets are revealed. The CU brass is undoubtedly lobbying for a top line seed. I mean, we beat Central Florida! Daunte Culpepper went there. That’s impressive.

3pm: Joe Lunardi has his 'last four out' segment. Too bad for those saps, I’m on hotels.com getting my room in the ATL. Holla!

4pm: Here we go! The committee is big into the last few games played, and that’s good for the Buffs; we were 1-1 in the last two, including a 73-69 dismantling of Nebraska. Yeah, that's right, Nebraska.

4:05pm: Kansas is a top seed. We played KU twice this year, a good sign!

4:10pm: Midwest bracket unveiled. Florida is a top seed; Joakim Noah is seen doing his best Mark Madsen impression. I can dance better than him. Recognize!

4:12pm: Maryland versus Davidson. Maryland Davidson? Sounds like someone that Wally Cleaver would date.

4:17pm: Texas A&M- Chorpus Christi gets a bid. Texas A&M played Colorado, and I’ve been to Chorpus Christi…oh yeah!

4:18pm: We’re not in the Midwest bracket. That’s alright. We beat UNC…that’s Northern Colorado, so I’m not worried. Represent baby, baby!

4:25pm: West bracket. Kansas has 30 wins?! Damn. If it wasn’t for my Buffs, they’d only have 28. Suckers.

4:28pm: Indiana gets a 7 seed. Reminds me of the Chauncey-led 1997 Buffs’ tourney team. Ahhh, all those great tourney teams of yesteryear…2003, 1997, 19 something or other. That’s tradition, the committee can’t overlook that! Byahhh!

4:30pm: No West bracket for the Buffs. No big deal, there’s 32 spots left. We beat Denver. Denver! Not the Denver Nuggets, but the University of Denver. Skills.

4:35pm: East bracket. Texas is a 4 seed. Kevin Durant had 30+ points versus the Buffs, we helped make him what he is, tourney tough! They play New Mexico State, coached by Reggie Theus. I used to love "Hangin With Mr Cooper", or "Saved By The Coach", or "Slam Dunk", whatever sweet sitcom he was on. That’s karma!

4:38pm: Texas Tech is in, they beat us. Coach Knight loves Coach Patton. Belmont gets a 15 seed. Coach Patton went to Belmont. The stars are aligning!

4:45pm: South bracket! It comes out of San Antonio, where CU once lost in the Big 12 football title game. It's gonna be like 'Revenge of Raphie' or 'Remember The Alamo(dome)' or some crafty sh*t. Oh baby!

4:47pm: Long Beach State gets 12 seed. My wife asks if that’s really a school. Duh! That’s where legendary CU coach Joe Harrington came from. The Coach Harrington who took us to a NIT 3rd place in 1991. That Long Beach State! The pure coaching lineage. Cha-ching!

4:49pm: Only eight spots left. Maybe the committee is still watching that momentual upset of Oklahoma State from February 3, or that 1 point win over Utah in the cauldron that scares most visiting teams into YMCA teams, the Utah Utes home court! That’s like winning a game in Hell versus the Devil and a gang of demons! Boo Yah!

4:51pm: Last two teams. We’ll be one. I’m booking my trip for the first round game in New Orleans right now. Mardi Gras baby! Show me your ta-tas!

4:53pm: I must’ve missed our name called when I was in the bathroom.

4:55pm: ESPN/Yahoo/MSN/Fox Sports must have a technical glitch. There’s no CU on any of their brackets.

5:15pm: The fire department has rescued me from the ledge of our house. I’m too depressed to go any further. Someone at CU must’ve banged a committee member’s daughter/wife/dog.

6:00pm: No one at the CU AD will return my calls re: who banged the daughter/wife/dog. Still no reply from my congressman or NCAA headquarters.

9:00pm: The police have visited my house and asked me to stop my threats versus the various entities that have screwed the Buffs. I tell those pigs to that they’ll never take me alive. They’re part of this grand conspiracy.

9:05pm: The floor at the Broomfield County jail is hard. I bet this is Gary Barnett's fault.