Channel Zero

There's several different levels to Devil worshippin,
horse's heads, human sacrifices, canibalism; candles and exorcism...

Two time Slushy Gutter winner T-Dub invited myself and the crew over to watch the CU-Oklahoma game tomorrow. He has quite the set up conducive to sports and beer drinking in his pimped-out basement; complete with the requisite sports memorabilia, pool table, ample seating, and of course, the big screen flatty TV. However, since T-Dub got his fancy TV last year, its record for showing CU is a very stout .000. Not one game we've watched there has resulted in a win for the Black and Gold. That being siad, we must exorcise the TV to rid the hideous unlucky demons that inhabit it. Follow these steps if you have a similiar situation:

1. As a source of goodwill, pop in a winning game or porno. (If you are a Minnesota Vikings' fan, the sex cruise police report accomplishes both.)
2. Offer the TV a cold beer. Since TVs cannot drink beer, you will have to drink it for the TV.
3. Offer the TV a voo doo doll in the image of the opposing coach your team is playing that day. (If your team is playing Kansas or Maryland football, you will need a whole bunch of extra filling for the doll.)
4. Repeat step #2
5. Cleanse the TV (translation: the TV is freaking dirty man, don't you ever dust that sh*t?)
6. Perform a sacrifice to show the TV you are forever faithful to its power. (A sacrifice bunt will work, but if you break anything your wife will be pissed. If you break the DVD player, the TV will be pissed- that's his main homeboy. Start over at #1)
7. Repeat step #2
8. Repeat step #4
9. Chant the name of one of your team's best players continuously for 30 seonds. (If your team is the NY Islanders, you might not want to chant "Satan" unless you want your local religious right on your lawn with pitchforks and torches)
10. Repeat steps #2, #7, and #8. Light a candle. Or invite your stoner friends over early.
11. You are complete; your TV should be excorcised, however, you may be the one with the spinning head and puking green soup.