Nightmare Football

They wouldn't give me respect
Told girls I was wack
You shouldn't have did that brother
I'm here for the payback...

If you're like me, your Fantasy Football league probably kicks off with the Dolphins at Steelers tilt tonight. And if you're like me, you're probably wondering why the hell you got involved in this Fantasy Football shit to begin with. This will be my 21st year doing some sort of Fantasy Football, yes, as a young buck in 1985 was my first forray. Neil Lomax anyone? How about Gerlad Wilhite?

Take it from a master, who in 13 years of our current league, is fast apporaching 100 losses. Your (and mine) Fantasy season will most likely go something like...

WEEK 1: You feel confident that "this is the year" to make a strong run. By halftime of the early games, your RB has tweaked his hammy, your kicker has missed a 31 yarder, and your QB got his finger caught in a clipboard.

WEEK 3: Feeling the sting of an 0-3 start, you trade your 11th round draft pick. He steps in for an injured starter in Week 4 and goes on to become Rookie of the Year. The chump you got back in the trade is arrested on drug charges.

WEEK 5: You feel confident of a win this week, as you are playing the guy in your league that hasn't changed his lineup even once because he's: uninterested/a ladies man/a coke head. However, the league commissioner changes his lineup for him "in the best interest of the league." Why are all commissioners cut from the same cloth? And where can I find this "asshole" cloth?

WEEK 8: Halloween week, you stand at 1-6. Someone hacks into your team on the web and changes your name to "Pumpkin Dick" and changes your logo to that lame pict of the barfing pumpkin.

WEEK 9: You have no hope of the playoffs but hope to notch that #2 win this week. You play the last second addition to the league, the male receptionist from your buddy's wife's office. He told you that he doesn't really like football other than "the delish sushi rolls at Invesco Field!" You lose 24-10.

WEEK 12: Your QB goes nuts on Thanksgiving, and your kicker smashes in 15 points in the late Thanksgiving game. Going into the MNF game, you are ahead by 35 points. Some chump your opponent has from the waiver wire scores 4 TDs and rushes for 120 yards. You hold a 1 point lead until his defense sacks the QB on the final play. At least there's leftover turkey, you think. You arrive home and your dog has mowed through that too.

WEEK 14: The last week of the year and you're hoping to get win #2 over the league's best team, some asshole who works at a lumber yard. He's the jerkoff with the witty personalized team jersey that reads "Bringing the Wood" on the front. He calls you by your last name and regales in telling everyone how much he "fucking rules" in his other "wussy ass leagues." He crushes you 113-41.

WEEK 15: The aformentioned dickhead commissioner doesn't even play you in the annual Toilet Bowl, but rather sends you to play in the "Bottom of the Porta Potty" Bowl.